Archive for August, 2009

P-LITS-SD (Post-Living in the South Stress Disorder)

Its been nearly 3 months since I’ve left the 110 degree cauldron of hell known as Texas for the Pacific Northwest.  Trying to acclimate to a somewhat civilized society has been a challenge.  I feel like I’m living in Encino Man, having my Neanderthal brain thawed some time in the distant future.  Take for example this thing they call ‘recycling’.  I haven’t recycled in about 4 years.  That’s right. Every can, bottle, paper towel and biohazardous waste has gone into a single receptacle, the garbage. For every pound that PNWs (Pacific Northwesterners) recycle or compost, you can bet that 4 pounds of generic garbage has accrued in Waco alone.  I tried to recycle once in Texas. I was taken to the back of a shed and beaten towards an inch of my life.  They put toothpicks in my eyes and sentenced me to 4 hours of Joel Osteen rehab.

I attribute the ‘environmentalism’ in the PNW to three things: First, it seems most people here have received some sort of education. Second, they can actually see that there is a beautiful world to protect, not just a sandpit that houses fast food restaurants and gun shops.  Lastly, the proximity to Canada has had a major impact on the communal conscience. People here can point to Canada on a map, and the CBC is a local broadcast station.

I think I’ll survive. So long as no one catches me recycling food soiled paper towels.

Cancer and Patriotic Fatsoism

An old pre-Obama post that never quite got finished; as I reacquaint myself with my blog.

I was surprised to see a trashy Newsweek article written by one of the worlds top cancer researchers, Robert Weinberg.  I’m so used to him writing and speaking about the esoteric mechanisms of cancer progression that it was kind of nice read a good old-fashioned get off your fat ass review article for the masses.

He claims that by avoiding a traditional Western diet, avoiding tobacco and doing an iota of exercise we may be able to prevent up to 70 percent of cancers.  He’s not the only one saying this, hell, just do a google search.

But as I’m starting to learn as the days pass in Texas, one can ignore all these warnings by simply being patriotic about the things that are killing us.  In a society where the convenience of a video store drop box has been converted to a ‘drive through’ so one does not have to lather themselves in Crisco to squeeze out of their car seat (pardon, SUV seat), it is easier to be proud and nostalgic about the fact that in ‘merica one don’t need to get out of their car to return their videos! That’s for them savages south (or north) of the border!

But no patriotic exercise is complete without a symbol to remind you that you have done the right thing. For example, the strategic placement of a Texas lone star on said video drop box reminds one of how the rules of the state have created these opportunities for them. A picture of George W. would be a little to conspicuous when in comes to covering up propaganda to brainwash the masses.

So next time you are hobbling down the Walmart parking lot with your thighs burning from the sweaty chafeage, and your mouth watering from the though of the Kraft cheese you are going to lather you on your noodles, replace those thoughts of guilt with thoughts of pride as you realize that the redness and swelling of your moist flanks symbolize the freedom to choose.